Marques de Caceres: Rioja Crianza

Rating: 7.8 Value: + Price: $10.97

Andrew: We don’t remember trying this one, but at the same time, it’s one of the highest scoring wines in our catalog. Essentially, this is Schrodinger’s bottle – it is simultaneously our favorite wine of all time, and also strangely, a wine that does not exist. Not to get too deep into a discussion of theoretical quantum mechanics, but at the end of the day, we hesitate to try this wine again. Much like Schrodinger’s cat, sometimes not knowing is the greatest gift of al…

Sean: Hey, wasn’t it that wine with the red label that we drank while watching the NBA Summer league?

Andrew: Ohh yeah… That was good as hell.

• Tasting notes of ripe strawberry
• Mellow finish
• Clearly we should revisit this one

The 3 Se7ens

Martinez Corta: Cepas Antiguas Selección Privada

Rating: 7.0 Value: + Price: $11.99

Francis Coppola: Diamond Claret

Rating: 7.0 Value: + Price: $13.99

Barnard Griffin: Cabernet Sauvignon

Rating: 7.0 Value: + Price: $13.98

August was a month of trying wines that were very good, but just shy of being great. As a result, we found that 3 wines had averaged a rating of 7.0 after our grueling (and standardized) appraisals. It just so happens that I watched the movie Se7en for the first time last weekend, so in recognition of that coincidence, I’ll try list the sins we committed while trying these three wines.

Pride: we had so much pride in our work that we knew we would give you a comprehensive wine review in July.

Sloth: (July posting not found)

Envy: I know we’re probably not your go-to site for tasting notes, but have you seen the new upgrade on the Vivino app? Sheeeesh.

Gluttony: Gluttony is brought to you by our unofficial sponsor: Kate’s Pub. Half off food all day Sunday’s. Let’s hope they consider paying us for the next shout out.

Greed: We haven’t received one merch order… You guys can’t buy a t-shirt? What’s the deal?

Lust: Check out this hot link – HAWT CELEB PIXXX

Wrath: Buy this wine or else!

• Buy all three of these
• Buy some merch
• WHATS IN THE BOX!

Da Vinci: Chianti

Rating: 6.3 Value: = Price: $8.99

If you look very closely at the painting of the last supper, you’ll notice that the wine Jesus was serving was actually this Chianti. Now, whether you want to deduce that this wine is the blood of Christ, or that Leonardo just loved a good value, that’s up to you. Regardless, drinking this sent us down a path of discussion worthy of a Dan Brown novel. We figured that Jesus must have chosen this mid-rated red because Mary Magdalene wasn’t the most difficult person to impress, if you know what we mean. Buy this wine for a date with the person that you don’t want to tell your parents about.

• Hints of cherry
• Crisp finish and easy drinking
• The whole turning water into wine thing was bullshit

Montes: Malbec

Rating: 5.2 Value: – Price: $10.99

Drinking this Malbec reminded us of the time we saw a stand up show headlined by Erik Griffin, better known as his character Montez on the comedy central show Workaholics. To set the scene, we were in the biggest little city in the world, Reno, NV. If you didn’t know, for stand-up comedy, you really can’t beat Reno….well you can, but not at those prices. After a hilarious set by Mr. Griffin, we made our way across the casino floor to the craps table. Halfway there, we felt a strange gravity in the room. We turned to the see what the disturbance was. Just outside the casino floor was a toy claw machine. No parlor game can compare to the gambling high that is feeding quarters into an electronic crane in the hopes of retrieving a stuffed animal worth approximately $2.50. By sheer force of will, we made it to the craps table where Erik Griffin was already enjoying the spoils of a nice roll. Promptly after our arrival, our friend, who shall remain anonymous, started his turn. Roll after roll everyone’s chips began to stack up, especially Mr. Griffin’s. Before we knew it, everyone had a substantial return on their investment. Just as fast as we had collected our spoils, Nick, I mean our anonymous friend, had disappeared. Erik Griffin yelled “COME BACK!” but it was too late. Everyone crapped out and all the money was lost. The claw machine had got the best of him. We found him pumping the last of his money into the machine, nothing to show but the deep sadness that follows the unattainable high. The Montes Malbec may call to you in the wine isle, like some unavoidable gravitational pull, but don’t be fooled by its angelic label, it will only leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth and a squandered opportunity to do coke with Erik Griffin.

• Bitter aftertaste
• Generic fruitiness
• Gambling is addictive

Summary

It was never going to be easy to follow what we accomplished in chapter 7, but we tried our best. Hope you enjoyed, and stay tuned in the coming weeks for our canned wine special edition blog post.